Sunday, January 24, 2010

Poetry Slam

-->So I have wanted to write a poetry slam for a while now, but the whole thing intimidated me - a lot.  Last night I decided to try to write one for tonight's Sunday evening service, wanting to offer something a little different to the college & career crowd. I was nervous to present it and probably would not have posted this, but by all appearances, thanks to God, it seems to have ministered to some, so perhaps some more via this forum.  Not sure it comes off the same way by reading it than by hearing it, but here goes.
Forgiven and Free is all I want to be 
The preacher starts preaching from the pulpit above, Speaking of redemption, grace, mercy and love, I sit in the pew finding it hard to believe, cause I can’t really see, after all that I’ve been through how this perfect God could even set eyes upon me… Forgiven and Free is all I want to be.
Ashamed and embarrassed, living in the darkness of a closet of lies, if one were to sneak out it would certainly be my demise.  I watch as the perfect churched people fidget in their pews, I wonder if their nervous as well, as they listen to the good news.  Probably not what do they have to be nervous about, squeaky clean Christians have no reason to doubt that this good news was meant for them, but certainly not the likes of me…Forgiven and Free is all I want to be.
* Slept with a relative stranger, after a hard night of drinking, looking for love what was I thinking.  A baby on the way I wasn’t prepared I had an abortion I saw no other way, I was scared. Now I live with the regret of all that I’ve done, to bad to be forgiven, to bad to be loved.  I look in the mirror and what to do I see, a failure, a mess-up, a shadow of me…Forgiven and Free is all I want to be 
* It started on the weekends, back in the day, hanging with guys drinking the afternoons away, but now I’m 45 feeling barely alive, need it to get up and to sleep at night, hardly ever see my kids, I’ve lost my wife.  Not to another man or to death thank God, but because of a bottle and drinking to hard. I’d give anything to have it all back, I’d do what it takes to make it right.  I’ll go to AA – I’ll go tonight.  I can’t take it back the pain that I’ve caused can’t be undone, in fact why even bother, I’m to far gone.  I can’t do it on my own, and now I’m alone, what’s the use when it’s just me…Forgiven and Free is all I want to be 
* From the first time I saw it on my laptop I was hooked, now I am sneaking downstairs at night just to get a look, tripping with fear, wondering what will happen if my mom catches me here. I Feel like a loser full of shame and disgust but I can’t control the urges, I have tried on my own, but I can’t beat this demon of lust. My mom, my sister, not to mention my girlfriend would be so ashamed, knowing how I defile these woman for my own gain. I can’t tell a soul, they’ll never understand, seeing only a perversion of me instead of a man.  I feel powerless over this enemy… Forgiven and Free is all I want to be. 
* The last words she heard from my mouth were teasing and taunts, making fun of her style, her walk and her words, not really caring of the wounds she incurred.  She wasn’t like me, in retrospect she was better, which made me angry and jealous and detrimentally bitter. I could not see the pain, she was feeling inside, I didn’t know her problems at home, the secrets she'd hide.  She took her life and while I know it’s not my fault it sure didn’t help my adding to her strife. I wish it wasn’t her lying there in that coffin, I'd rather it was me cause all I want is to be forgiven and free 
* I let everybody down, I'm lower than gum stepped on over and over on the ground.  Like empty candy wrappers tossed aside, I feel like I’ve already died inside.  Why hold on to this shell of an existence, trying to dull the pain with knives and razor blades. It’s just not cutting it anymore, there is nothing worth living for.  There’s no turning back, when the preacher’s done preaching I’m out the door, I’ll be looking down the barrel of a gun, pull the trigger than it’s done, and all the pain just fades.  Cause I am messed up, I’ve messed up and there’s no worth in me… Forgiven and Free is all I want to be 
I snap back to the here and now, the preacher begins telling of Jesus and how, he came as a babe born in a manger, grown to a man who would become our Saviour.  Certainly not for me I thought, but then he preached on, quoting scripture, the words in red in the bible, words of Jesus, words pointing to my survival.  A story of a sinful woman sitting among the religious, who wanted to be forgiven and free, though her deeds were grievous, just like me.  Luke 7:48-50 Then Jesus said to her your sins of forgiven. As hard as I fought, those words penetrated my heart, as if Jesus was speaking those words right to me, giving me a reason to stop sinning, a reason to go on living. Luke 5:20 Jesus called the sinner friend, me a wretched mess of despair, he called me friend and on the cross he proved that he did care. He quoted from Matthew 26:28 of how Jesus was forsaken so that I might be forgiven, he gave up his life, so that I could go on living. I could picture him hanging on the cross for all I’ve done wrong, picturing my face, enduring the pain so I could be extend forgiveness & grace. I realized then & there that all my fears and failures were wrapped in swaddling clothes, placed in tomb and raised from the cross.  My eyes began to well up with tears, and as I walked out in faith, I relinquished my fears, my heart cried out to Jesus, as I prayed with might, placing my faith in Him, walking out of the darkness into the light.  
Forgiven and Free because of Jesus - now that is me.

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